Monday, October 30, 2017

me

Perpetually classic. Aged as a fine wine, full-bodied. Na├»ve. A lover of idle chatter. Enthusiastic in all pursuits of the heart. Champion of the underdog. Fiercely protective of my children. Frivolous. At times jaded. Filled with bouts of self-doubt. Wishful. Boastful only in childish desire to share.  Crave approval. Flawed. Struggling with who I am. Perfectly imperfect. Want to be liked. Really liked. Care too much. Clingy. Intense. Huge ham. Lover of self-expression. Through Dance. In song. Fascinated with words. Carving something from verse and rhyme. Soulful. Artful. Hopeful. Believer of destiny. Doubter of chance. Temptress of fate. Possess Faith. Love myself. Cryptic. Cry easily. Mourn quietly. Risk aversive. Explosive. Gentle. Passionate. Spiritual.  Funny. Overthinker. Loud. Reader. Writer. Blogger. In love. Am loved. Real. This is me.

Question

You give
joy although
you are broken

You see
more than who
she still is

You hear
her shout in
quiet silence

You are
her only 
way out

Saturday, October 28, 2017

damaged

Lain bare
Cursed be
The wretched soul
Who is she

Breathless mourn
A life denied
This woman suffers
Still she bleeds

And in light
Bone and marrow
Demons damned
Set her free

Fallen
Broken wings
Of ash and fire
She is me


Friday, October 27, 2017

the audition

My best me
stood before
you
Waiting 
to be
chosen
You
looked at
me
And I knew
I didn't
matter

Thursday, October 26, 2017

spark

Electric fire
across the sky
Burning caress
inner thigh
One hundred fireflies
in a jar
Searing glance
from afar
Aching passion
a tender kiss
In your arms
simple bliss

Sunday, October 22, 2017

unrequited

You made me feel
I was special
My heart
on my sleeve

You told me things
about myself
I felt
I had wings

You gave to me
freedom
From a past
I couldn't leave

When you held me
in your arms
I could
finally be

But in your eyes
I could see
A heart
in disguise

Your untamed heart
could never see
The girl I
couldn't be

Friday, October 20, 2017

oh hell ya!

Transform yourself. Reinvent from the inside out. Take the very core of you and make it stronger. Better. There are potions. Magic vials filled with translucent crystals. Tiny non-descript pills restructuring and harmonizing. Sculpting and shaping. Tweaking. Siphoning. Extracting. Expelling. Oneness with yourself. Release your inner Goddess. Beauty in every morsel. Water is the life blood. Do it. Nike tells you to.

Society demands it. We are reminded of it every single day on our computers, our phones. Our televisions. Radios. When you least expect it.  Subway wall and billboard advertorials. Oh my, the bargains. Whisper the million-dollar secret in my ear for three easy payments of $29.99 plus shipping. Celebrities endorse them. Whoring themselves product in hand. Be like them. Choose them.

The plans. Educated doctors espousing fail-proof diets. Oops lifestyles. Avoid carbohydrates. Choose complex or simple. Low fat. High fat zero carbs. Listen to your Glycemic Index dummy!  Whole grains. Eat clean. An apple a day. Blood analysis. Protein shakes. Three square. Log. Journal. Meet. Discuss. Blog.

And the gadgets. Contraptions that tighten. Hold. Push up. Places wholly designed to take you and morph you into someone entirely different. Because who you are simply is not good enough. Relax you. Pamper you. Massage you. Lift this. Tuck that. Give you more. A little plump here. Reshape of this. Tilt of that. And they take away too. The cellulite Hoover – who knew! Why settle for anything less. i wonder whether they recycle?

From concealer to blush. Eyelash extensions. Hair extensions. Dyes. A palette of hues to help you be you. Foundation. Eye pencil. Lip gloss. Lip liner. Contour. Animal hair brushes that glide smoothly over your new face. Lazy? Permanent make-up is the flexible option for the busy woman with low self-esteem.

Keep it altogether. Your girls knocking about in a push-up by Victoria with matching panties – I would show you but they have disappeared. YUP my new bootie ate them. Girdles and corsets for the special occasion; showcase your willpower to the world. Spandex for the PMS bloat days.  Control top panty hose.  Straighteners. Curling irons. Crimpers. Be whoever you want to be. Just by their standards.

Stand in direct sunlight. Scrunch your lips. Tilt your head and SNAPCHAT. Spring blossoms, floating butterflies with ingenious filtered lighting making you look fifteen years younger. It’s Vogue baby. One pill. One day. One magic promise.  A handful of magic beans…the “Jack and the Beanstalk” fairy tale for adults. 

What do you see? Vivid green eyes. A beautiful smile. Genuine heart. Kind soul. Laugh lines. A peppering of silver in golden hair. A mommy tummy. Tell yourself how beautiful and sweet you are every day. Challenge societal standards. Redefine gloss & glamor. And to hell with anyone who says different. Be real. Just be you. An original.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

water

Her face
warmed by the sun.
Chin high
embraces its warmth.
Suspended
beneath murky waters.
Her limbs
moving.
She floats.

She falls
from the sky.
Her thoughts
frantic before her.
A mind
troubled in wake, in sleep
Her prayers
unanswered.
She dreams.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

into you she fell

This martyred heart
Wants to rest
Seeking solace
Within herself

Wicked the embers
Raging inside
His fiery path
Widows the bride

Her ravaged heart
Craves release
Desiring only
What wants her least

Quell this life
Her soul unwell
This foolish girl
Into you she fell

Down
Down
Down
Into you she fell

When I pass through


When I pass through
I cast a stone 
A storm in the calm
Before I sleep 

And bold is He
The savage beast
That lay his head 
Across my breast 

Slow the beating heart
Still I will lie
Fate is my anchor
No mercy her cry

Weary she sleeps
Her Faith no more
A soul released
Darken the moor

Who loved this girl
Mourns her breath
Wants for her
Rages her death

When I pass through
I cast a stone
To shout out loud
Before I am gone


Thursday, October 12, 2017

How do I undo you

How do I undo you
Furl the rose in blinding sun
Wither the joyous heart

How do I un-see the man
Release these chains
Unjust his worthy heart

How do I undo you
This heart filled
Her love true

How do I live
Want for ordinary
Exist

How do I not feel
Honeyed lips 
Gingered kisses

How do you say goodbye
When I only see hello
How do I undo you

Monday, October 9, 2017

What I see in the dark

What I see in the dark
Serenity in shadows
There lingers her heart

Unbroken silence
Peace in anonymity
What lay heavy upon her

She is lost unseen
A mind she troubles
In soulful blackness

Salted tears
If only you would see
All that she fears

Clever is the night
Echo a beating heart
And thief of our light

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Her Evolution

I still lay awake at night wondering if he is thinking about me like I do about him. And I doubt it. I am not quite sure why I put so much importance on this person who decided just over a few days, over a few months or over a fortnight that it was suddenly ok to just throw everything material that you wanted to keep in the back of your pickup truck and leave behind the memories, the people, the emotion that comes from over fifty years of a life together.

People I am quite sure are tired of listening to me talk about him or maybe reading nuances of him in my stories and in my blogs, my poems. He was important to me. He was my dad.

I wonder really how different would my life have been would if I still had him in my life.  A lot of my mistakes and my behaviour especially in the last few years absolutely are attributable to his departure. Absolutely I could look back and go – yeah I wasn’t happy then.

I was in a bad place. The hole that he left inside of me when he left I tried so hard to fill with maybe people I shouldn’t of counted on. Or maybe filled with stuff that wasn’t good for me. Done for me. But I let it happen because I was so afraid of one more person leaving my life.

He absolutely inspired my writing if only because I had so much hurt bottled up inside of me. I couldn’t talk to my mom. I couldn’t talk to my sisters. My writing was just this natural outlet for me. I formed relationships I am quite sure were solely based on where I was in my life after he left. Does that invalidate the relationship? Does that make it wrong? Or me needy? I don’t think so. 

I’ve grown immensely as a person. I am stronger. I am going to say perhaps selfishly; that I’m positioned probably at the head of this family and that’s not to slight my two sisters.  But just to show how far I feel I have leapt into a role to take care of my mom, to fill this hole that dad left. And there was a lot of growing up for the three of us.  It’s so true when people say ‘you don’t pick your family’. I honestly don’t think we would be friends outside of this blood circle that we share. But I will say post dad, and in our new normal we’ve connected. And that connection is real. That connection is strong. And that connection cannot be taken away.

Every family has issues they’ve got to work through and it’s almost an accomplishment when you look at the enormity of what my sisters and I, my mom and my beautiful niece struggled through. And came out on the other side of. Came out on the other side of.


I don’t forgive him. At one point I had so much hate inside of me. And I’ve cried so many tears over him. But if I were to stand back and ask ‘what did you teach me old man’. From all of this what can I take away? I’ve met some really good people who do think that I am all that, who do believe in me. I think I’ve set free some pieces of me that maybe I wouldn’t have ever shown to anyone.

But the real me I don’t know. I don’t know. I am not a chameleon. I am not this person who changes and morphs into someone different every time they are with someone different but I don’t quite think who I am today is necessarily who I am going to finish being when all is said and done. 

I’ve stopped writing and I have started again. I stopped because of him and I started because of him and I continue because of me. That’s a good thing. I don’t have a lot of roots left anymore. I don’t have a lot of true deep, meaningful friendships but the ones that I do have they’re real. The roots that I do have; they’re starting to lay their seeds into the deep, brown rich earth and they are going to get stronger. And they are going to get bigger. And they are going to be that mighty oak that I thought I once was a branch of and was taken from me.

I am the seedling. 

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

finding me

If for one day
I could be
Someone else
Someone not me

Her broken heart
At last free
Losing her
And losing me

A shining star
Sparkling bright
Fire and sky
She lights the night

If for one day
You could see
Who she is
This girl is me

Her new normal
Winged she soars
Strong of heart
Wanting more

If for one day
I could be
Anyone I wanted
 And choosing me

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

I hear
not what 
you meant
your real
intent

I see
what you 
do not say
a smile
betrayed

I want
not what
you give
a heart
lies

Sunday, October 1, 2017

absence

When darkness prevails
He shuts his eyes
The moon escapes
Bringing bleak

Bright goes the Sun
Stars fade to night
Shadows erupt
Ashen skies

The silence echoes
Screams out loud
Smothering her voice
A quiet cry

In stillness he lays
Unable to move
Can he pray?
His soul aloof

You say goodnight
Upon knee we mourn
In light they lift him
Bringing dawn