Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Divorcing your Parent

Emancipation does not apply as I have been fully immersed into adulthood for most of my forty+ years. I strive to consciously uncouple from my co-creator having been extremely dissatisfied with his performance in the dad category in the last half-decade.  This is about my personal struggle to define a new normal for myself and my family when our father left. This is me choosing to heal.

Dethroning the King was integral to my journey. Unveiling the human behind the superhero cape seeing ego and character and frailties that otherwise we are oblivious to perhaps even protected from as children. I had to take the harsh truths I discovered once he left and make sense of them all.  I had to separate the King from the man and discover what was real and recognize him for who he truly was.

I had to find it in my heart to forgive him. Acknowledge the dad from my happy and normal childhood and isolate him from the person he revealed himself to be. Forgiving him lets me keep the happy bits inside without the anger and hurt to color it or steal those memories from me. Keeping my childhood intact selfishly for me. Forgiving who he has become allows me to move forward free from guilt and to find peace in my new normal. It lets me be me again. 

It was time to plant new roots. For several years I felt uprooted and untethered, afloat without support. What if I fail who is there to protect me? Who will pick me up if I fall?  Every tree starts as a seed and I had to become that seedling – be my own tree.  Young but healthy and strong and beautiful. Know that I am my own safety-net and I can use my own strength to carry me.

Always love yourself first. It was easy to believe him when he told me I was worthless and less than my two siblings. He used his throne to manipulate me for his gain. I worshiped at his alter and his unkind words were gospel. Work hard at self-love and being kind to yourself every day to rebuild who you are. I had to redefine who I was outside of his shadow.

Everything I do is a choice. I own the decision, the steps, the effort and the consequences of all that I do. I own the decision to put an unhealthy relationship behind me. I choose to forgive and own the decision to keep him out of my life. I pass no judgement on my sister for choosing a relationship – she is master of her universe. I accept no judgement passed on my choices. For once in a very long while I am choosing me.

I channeled my grief and my anger into my passion for writing. My story was told in my words, my voice and through my art. Relevant is creating an outlet letting you mourn what was familiar and what was lost.  Expressing what was in my heart and my crazy mind helped me to see my path forward. Putting pen to paper was my healing hand.

I proclaim no expertise rather serve only to share what I have learned and what has worked for me. Laughter and light, joy and family breathe life in my new normal.

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