Used To

You used to greet me each morning

Now I meet a wall of silence

As though I am airborne, an unwanted virus

A pervasive and decaying, piece of garbage

You used to smile at me

You set my heart free

Grass grows in the cracks of concrete

Trees replanted in giant urns

Branches reaching upward to a sky, glass ceiling

Life in peculiar places, taking up spaces

There once was you and I

Two lives now untied

Frailty of the chains that bind us

The bonds familial let go

Release us into a suburban wilderness

Uncertainty merciless, clawing at our soul

Standing on her own

Feeling quite alone

***

Toronto Strong

In honour of those lives lost in such a tragic and senseless act -

We lift our faces to the sky
Bask in the Sun’s warmth and her light
Everything feels so alive
Fragrance of spring kisses the air
Flowers bloom as temperatures rise
Our hearts free as we enjoy life
Carnage
Torn asunder and tossed aside
Like garbage victim of his pride
Selfish ego takes a ride
In seconds many lives are gone
His truth of motive never known
Senseless our hearts left stone cold
Wreckage
This home we so lovingly built
Cast stones to sink in waters deep
Unbreathing my love, martyr’s gift
Smite the gong in rally of cause
Innocent are the lambs we slaughter
Mourn the death of children’s laughter
Caustic
Scattered seed of life, empty gun
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run
Faceless Evil circles his prey
Say your prayers dear daughter and son
Ruthless pursuit sparing no one
Tell me to whose God do I pray?
Amen

***

All Along

Painted skies
Tell no lies
Whispered words
Said at night
A heart hears
And believes
Every word
As your truth
Like a song
Carries me
I do long
So naïve
I believed
The magic
That was you
Tiny stars
Fill my night
In my dreams
There you are
Morning light
Nothing real
You are gone
Never were

***

Ghosts

Although you are gone
Inside you remain
The marker you left
Still leaves me with pain

The memory of you
Is stronger with time
Reality blurs
What is on my mind

Pieces of you still
Haunt my lonely soul
These painted pictures
Of a long time ago

Like a strong wind I
Hope is passing through
To rid of these ghosts
A love I once knew

***

Only Death

Only death lets us know
What is lost once you go
Our human spirit sent
Heaven bound testament
We leave behind what counts

Faces of those we love
Voices carried in song
Autumn leaf’s tender flight
A newborn’s welcome cry
The night stars are our guide

Fragrant petals in bloom
First kiss neath golden moon
Rosy cheeks in winter
Joy of love requited
Make a life that matters

Frosted greens, bold laughter
Dreaming of forever
Want for ever-after
A clandestine romance
Barely moving slow dance

Taking
Risking
Needing
Choosing
Wanting
Doing
Being
Living
Breathing

***

Room

In my house there are many rooms
Places I have come and gone
Each a little piece of my past
They come for me, a nightmare’s song

Narrow hallways that lead me
Painted doors and windowless walls
Crevices secreted behind
Spiral stairways lead me to fall

Faceless figures silently sleep
Empty echoes of squeaks and groans
Narrowed chambers leading nowhere
A prisoner in my haunted home

Woeful cries pierce a black moon
Whirring-click of the carousel
Spotlight memories flooding back
Dancing shadows crumble and fall

Frantic breaths shallow, are released
Dark temptress beckons me once more
Shun this Pandora, shield my past
For evil lurks behind this door

***

I Am That Girl

Do you see a girl
Standing with you
Do you feel my eyes
Wishing upon you
Wanting you to feel
What I feel with you

I am that girl who
You dream of and kiss
You hold my hand and
With lips gently pressed
Take me to places missed
My own Neverland

Take me for a ride
Please spin me sister
Let life be your guide
Crush me, hold me girl
Let me be your world
I'm on fire, alive

Second chances give
You a chance at love
Settle for nothing
Less than what I ask
And what you have got
Only a blessing

Risk your heart
Take a chance
See your life
Second glance

***

Why Does the Sun Hide From Me?

Why does the sun hide from me?
I need its warmth and light
A silvery moon out of reach
I stand before you unseen

Darkness spills into the street
Blankets me in sheets of black
Haunting are breaths in shadows
Mercy I cry out defeat

Weeps the willow as night falls
Downward their branches do mourn
Sorrow lifts eyes heavenward
Dear Faith will you heed my call?

With weary soul I hearken
A voice no longer my own
End this death I am living
My heart has already gone

***

Yellow Rose

A yellow rose to tell me
How very loved I am
A bouquet from my dearest
Lay upon my marker stone

The winds roam free around me
No visitor in sight
The quiet noise of lonely
I am missing you tonight

Leaves of autumn strewn about
Distant sounds of living
Fill me with sorrow this night
I am no longer breathing

Salty fresh this earthen soil
I open to welcome you
May you rest your weary head
And forever your rose blooms

***

Rush

A permanent countdown
In a world that moves too fast
Why are we in a hurry?
When nothing ever lasts
A cycle of constant circles
Moving us through this world
It takes away our forever
And steals away our youth
Celebrate the ordinary
Revel in the mundane
Each moment of every day
Contributes in some way
Why are you in such a hurry?
I really want to know
Something you are not telling me
Some place you have to go
To see the sweet hereafter
Visit the promised land
Your demise on earth is near
Enjoy it while you can

***

Run Away

Run away from me
Like water down a mountain side
Heed not the path taken
Let the wind be your guide

Tumble with the stones
A rolling stone gathers no moss
Earthen soils will take you
Don't be lost in a crowd

Lest the dust settle
Soaring high on an Angel's wing
Lift with a summers breeze
Rejoice your voice will sing

Stealthy the thunder
Mighty the storm that fells the sea
Rise up majestic waves
Be everything you need

***

What if?

What if you are not what i want
What if I am not what you need
Where does this leave us
What should we believe

The moon and stars tell a story
Of her extraordinary love
She fell endlessly
Helplessly she was

Wishing on stars and crossed fingers
A false hope that maybe one day
You and I might be
More than faded rage

***

Paper Boat

A paper boat in high waters
Working hard to stay afloat
So small and still so mighty
Made from nature, runs on hope

Painted crayon yellow mast
Crystal blue waves beneath her
She struggles and falls beneath
Lost at sea with no anchor

Ruthless the winds that carry
Further down this lonely path
Grasping what lay before her
Death victorious at last

Paper doll dressed so pretty
Painted lips no longer cry
Sorrow lifted my darling
See you on the other side

***

Loss

Faded white where your photo stood
Swirling thoughts of you in my head
My make believe memories of you
This beating heart now wrapped in blue

The catchers mitt from our first game
The old chev together we saved
Every word that you said to me
Stuck inside me and never free

From high atop your pedestal
A golden cape and magic wand
My Superhero and much more
Dad, you were my entire world

Reality soon came to bear
In time I knew you never cared
Once long ago I was your girl
Your choices now I see were cruel

Shattered pieces woven with time
Put back together best she could
Cautiously she treads through this life
Her beating heart is made of wood

***

I took something

I took something

To make me sleep

Give me happy

Instead of weep

Feed the demon

Who lives within

To fake a joy

I do not feel

I took something

Now I am tired

Let my mind rest

For just awhile

I took something

***

I Thought

I thought we were normal
Like everybody else
Not the love of a century
But something nonetheless

Until you came to me
A love so new and pure
An everlasting love
To last my whole life through

A coin it gives two sides
And neither disappoint
How must a girl decide
Between friendship and hope

However this game played
I know I count on this
Happiness is fleeting
A chance not to be missed

And so the story goes
A girl left all alone
Wishing for what she lost
And sad for what she'd known

***

WHY?

It makes no sense
If you ask me
That people try
To be what you
Need them to be

All that makes us
Different too
Makes us unique
Still you want to
Be someone new

Change your colours
Hide if you must
The very best things
That make you, you
You’re giving up

Chameleon
Changes his skin
Blends with the rest
Who wants to be
The same as him?

My quirky, loud
And nerdy self
Gets lots of love
From those who count
Just be yourself

Cookie-cutter
Girl undefined
Let your star shine
Know that you are
One of a kind

***

I Gave You Me

All i had to give, I did
Every word I said, I meant
This voice inside me screams
For all the love I spent
You gave nothing in return

Every path we took, I carved
All my joy expressed was true
Each time our two became one
From the beginning I knew
Imperfect, your self was worn

And still I gave unto you
Greatest gift I could bestow
These two hands held dearly
To beating heart rent is owed
Because I gave you me

***

Sideway Tears

Thunderous yawns and sideway tears
Grievous heart belies her truth
Crumbling walls, broken stride
Sad daughter why do you hide?

Bilious she pretends to be
Wearing her scorn easily
Mired deeply freedom sleeps
Sad daughter why do you weep?

Inside outside bleating lamb
Raggedy Ann she is worn
Tempting is it just to drown
Sad daughter why do you frown?

***

In an Instant

In an instant you were gone
Vanquished for what I don't know
Was it only yesterday
When I held you tight to me
I did not know you would leave

I see things you left behind
It feels wrong to see them now
Life unlived still not begun
Please tell me how I go on
When you left, my only son

Rage against the Lord our God
You take from us the blessed ones
How are we to understand
Quell all Faith in my sorrow
What lay beyond tomorrow?

If I could tell him once more
How very proud he made me
And while I am uncertain
I pray to you to keep him
Should someday we meet again

***

#Humboldt in honor of those who lost their lives in this tragedy and their families. I wish you peace.

Undoing Happy

How do you undo happy?
Now that you have gone must I
Settle for a life denied

How do I keep on living?
When you were my very breath
You taught me that I could fly

When expectations are high
How do you take away one?
Tell me how do I survive?

When roses bloom and the stars
Blaze across a cobalt sky
Who will hug me when I cry?

Broken-hearted
And faded bliss
He will move on
I miss his kiss

Empty my heart
Mournful of him
Lest he look back
My life will end

Rewind this path I have walked
Let go and leave behind
From the ashes she will rise

***

Dad

Why did you leave Dad?
I did all you asked
You were my hero
I loved you the most
Each night I look back
At all the words said
Thinking perhaps you
Never meant a word
But in the morning
I look at my Mom
All you left behind
You left us in doubt
Ma can’t remember
And I can’t forget
If I wished on a star
I might see you for
The dad that you were
You taught me to love
And be true to me
You never taught me
That one day you’d leave
I miss you more than
You may realize
My coach, my friend and
A man in disguise

***

Cloud of Noise

My eyes are open but cannot see
I am awake but dare not breathe
The world is moving without me
The Sun it shines but can’t break through
This cloud of noise

Voices slam against a muffled wall
Trembling I feel I am falling
Dark abyss forever calling
Like a mime whose hands make pretend
In my cloud of noise

Despair transparent beneath my smile
Din explosion, a broken dial
Can you see I am not alright?
Ordinary words imprisoned
In this cloud of noise

***

Something About You

There’s something about you
I see it in your eyes
The way that you hold me
If only in my mind

If I paint a picture
It will show you and me
Beneath a moonlit sky
A love that’s meant to be

And should I imagine
What’s written in the stars
The greatest story told
I love you from afar

There’s something about you
Makes me weak in the knees
I wish I could tell you
Just how you make me feel

***

Cloying

As withered vines snaking 
Around leaden feet
You pull me into sleep
Forever creeping I
Weep for I cannot breathe
Death comes everlasting
In murky waters deep

***

Confession

If you were to take a guess
You might never understand
At what I just may confess
So skilled am I at pretend

You and I have always known
Friendship that is deep and true
In tortured dreams softly moan
Telltale my heart skips for you

With bated breath I kiss you
Whisper softly in your ear
Every beat proves my truth
My darling I love you dear

***

All Along

Painted skies

Tell no lies

Whispered words

Said at night

A heart hears

And believes

Every word

As your truth

Like a song

Carries me

I do long

So naïve

I believed

The magic

That was you

Tiny stars

Fill my night

In my dreams

There you are

Morning light

Nothing real

You are gone

Never were

***

If I Fail

If I fail let me fail big
Soar great heights and let me fall
Let me see what others don't
Imagine what I could do
If you would believe it too

If you listen carefully
Quietly as the night sleeps
Let my voice dance in the clouds
Like petals falling softly
From the heavens around me

In mountains flow still waters
Through the trees the sun will shine
Winds will carry the lonely
Sounds of a lovers sigh
Oh please won't you let me fly

***

Once

You once were my way out
You now won't let me in
A path to happiness
A path we've not begun
In a glass jar high upon
A shelf, lay forgotten
These memories of ourselves
If you care to listen
Carefully you will hear
The beating of my heart
Waiting to be released
To live again and breathe

***

Remorse

Celebrate this life
The journey taken
Stones cast in waters
Wayward was my path
Wanting all i did
To live as i lived
Joyful of heart and
Wishful that I will be
Simply remembered

Do you hear my voice
Lay I in slumber
Silent is the wind
Lungs thick with lament
For what I have lost
Tell me please again
How you are longing
For what we once knew
And my life renewed

***

I've Changed My Mind

I woke up this morning
Dressed before the mirror
I see what you do not
A smile to hide sorrow
Some pink to colour pale
Walls built to keep you out
Tears spent to release you
Mere mortal without hope
I hear the bleating sounds
Of the clock counting down
Chiming tick tock tick tock
White noise to help me drown
I mimic the living
Every breath that I take
A plastic reminder
Of anguish and heartache
Through the curtains, the Sun
Brazenly rushes in
Shouting out to the world
A new day has begun
With a strength, I’ve not known
I will once again try
Forgive your callous heart
Let my love for you die

***

I Gave

If you wondered what went wrong
I gave everything I had
Though we were destined to fail
I gave you my truth
It always was you

And should you remember me
The laughter and joy and need
You were my whole world you see
I would still pick you
Only you would do

This naive heart asks not much
Wants only to be your love
All that you give is enough
But you said goodbye
Still I wonder why

Second chances I have none
I still wish you were the one
Unrequited souls collide
I am still alive
With you by my side

Lonely heart fade to black
Wanton for what she lacks
Denied love she fights back
Blessed girl she rises
Highest mountain she climbs
With grace she lives this life
Let free the ties that bind

***

On My Way

On my way to Heaven

As I am looking back

At what really mattered

And happiness I lacked

I saw every moment

I felt was ordinary

And realize perhaps -

They were so much more than that

Beauty in little things

Nature’s bountiful gifts

The sun and moon and stars

And every breathe we took

Our love along the way

Despite the pain, it shared

The arms that held us close

When we felt that no-one cared

No joy is found in stuff

Money is but a thing

Connections matter most

True love is everything

If I could spend a day

Return to life on earth

I would hug you tightly

For you are my whole world

***